Things that I know now that I wish I knew when I was eighteen

Off the back of a particularly positive meeting earlier this week and much reflection on life and dealing with mental illness over recent weeks, I have been pondering those things that I could have done differently over the last couple of decades. Let be clear: I am very happy with my life at the moment, almost content, but I have come to the conclusion that my life would have been much easier if had have known during my teens, 20s and early 30s what I know now.

I make no criticism here of my parents, other relatives, partners and friends during those years: all of my failings are down to me and me alone.

In no particular order, here are the things I wish I had have known in the past that I know now:

There is no shame in asking for help

This is an easy and obvious one: I spent so many years being afraid to ask for help that the hole that I had gotten myself into mentally just continued to deepen and deepen until there was no metaphorical way out. I thought there was a stigma that would attach to sticking my hand up and asking for help and the attachment of that stigma to me scared me.

It is who you are that defines you, not what you do

I only ever wanted to be a lawyer, right from the first year of University, and I spent many years so focused on being a lawyer that I began to believe that being a lawyer was what defined me. I could not see a future without me being a lawyer which was just stupid. It sounds obvious but obviously it is who you are, and your values, that define you. It does not matter what you do for a crust.

Showing emotion is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength

I always said to people that I was not the most emotional of people. I did not think that showing emotion was the done thing and that I would be considered weak if I did. That had the flow on effect of me having quite deep emotional lows that also could manifest themselves in violent (emotionally) anger. I have cried more in the last 3 years than I had in the previous twenty and frankly I couldn’t be prouder about that. The “red mist” that once engulfed me from time to time has not returned in a long time and I am sure that, in part is because I now have learned to express my emotions.

The answer does not lie in the bottom of a bottle

I have been honest and direct in this blog and in person with people about my struggles with alcohol. This one is simple: I wish I did not spend so much time drinking to make myself feel good about myself. For a start I have learned that I do not need to drink to have a good time and I do not need to get drunk in response to a bad week at work or a bad mood.

Be patient with yourself, you are going to be wrong more than you are right

I am my own harshest critic and spent a long time during my career and my life beating myself up over my failings however small. I never really appreciated what I appreciate now which is that sometimes mistakes happen and it is how you react to those mistakes and attempt to remediate them that is most important rather than replaying the mistake over and over in your mind.

Life is too short is the commonly trotted out maxim when one looks back at the life they have lead and the mistakes they have made. I have an amendments to that maxim: life is only as short as you make it by your own actions. I am not perfect and I am never going to be perfect but I do intend to live every day I have left hopefully as free as I can be of the depression and self doubt that have plagued me for so long knowing what I now know. And that is all anyone can ask of themselves isn’t it?

4 responses

  1. Hi, Stephen. Came across your blog in my WordPress reader searching out others who have also been struggling with anxiety and depression. Not a hard thing to come by during the Winter months, but your post really resonated with me. Every main point you’ve touched upon I’ve also struggled with in the past and am trying to learn as a young 30’s something mom, wife, and writer how to deal with it now.

    I often run out of patience with myself and in the past have tried quick fixes like the occasional wine binge or food binge. I realize now that a quick fix doesn’t exist. I sometimes get so focused on one thing it becomes obsessive and I’m consumed with it – I suppose being a fiction writer, this may be an advantage, but needed these reminders in this post not to be so hard on myself.

    It’s the everyday stresses that build up for me and sometimes I will need to ask for help to keep my sanity. Many writers are known for being mildly insane, but I’d rather not be miserable. lol. The stark truth of the matter is it can drive us all into an early grave if we let it. I hope to overcome these Winter blues and bouts of anxiety day by day. Thanks again for the reminders, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Take care.

    Laurie

  2. Pingback: Managing Stress: Everyone has a different method! « Shumpty Speaks

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